I am a Fraud

Who am I? I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a wife. I have been divorced, widowed and remarried. I was born in the 60s. I work 40+ hours a week, even with Fibromyalgia. I almost always follow all the rules. I am polite, well-mannered, quiet and shy. I can be sarcastic and ironic when I am comfortable around someone. Normally, I do what I am supposed to do, with little dissent.

I am a fraud.

I do not let people too close, or tell others what I am really thinking, because the real me may upset them. I have found that I do not think like most others do about everyday, normal things. The things most would not even question, I find myself on the opposite side of the main stream thought. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. Only with a handful of people do I let the real me come through.

I am a fraud.

This was a harsh realization for me to come to about myself. I look around and find myself wondering if there are many others out there like me. Who feel they must keep thoughts and feelings to themselves so as not to upset the world around them. If you ask how I am doing, or how I feel, chances are great I will respond with “fine”. “Everything’s fine” should be my tag line of life. I will quote random movie lines, respond with sarcasm, or completely change the subject to keep from answering that particular question.

I am a fraud.

Did it become obvious in 2008, when I stepped away from the Baptist faith and became a Sabbath Keeper? My family was quite certain I had joined a cult. I no longer thought as they did about religion. Who was this person, suddenly keeping Torah and following the law, no longer eating pork, studying on the Sabbath and no longer going to a church on Sunday? How did she come into existence? What does she think she is doing? How does she reconcile this “new” way of believing to how she was raised? What happens now?

First of all, this particular post is not about religion. This is about finding myself. Who I am now is the most comfortable version of me, for me. I like myself. Let me repeat that. I LIKE MYSELF. I no longer think that if only I did things differently, or said something, or didn’t say something, that everything would be the way it is supposed to be. Because I have realized, everything IS the way it is supposed to be at this point in my life. No, it is not perfect, but it is my journey. Many people have helped me get to this point, some without even realizing it, but they can’t make the journey for me. Only I can do that. And my journey sometimes takes me out of other people’s comfort zones. I no longer do everything I am expected to do just because it keeps others happy.

I am a fraud, who is coming out of her shell.

Watch out world…

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